Downward Spiral

[Rogue Angel]

*bursts into tears*... what a horrific fucking day.... [img]graemlins/cry.gif[/img]

i'm a total liar. Birthday or not, this has been an awful day... the bottom of a downward spiral that has lasted for a couple of weeks now... i don't even care who knows it anymore....

i'm miserable... completely fucking miserable... *wiping my face*... i know i've been detached and distant from people here lately... at least over the past week or so... it's not because i don't care about what's going on with you... it's because on occasion.. there are things going on with me. And that's what i do when i feel like this... withdraw from everyone and everything...

it just seems like lately, that NOTHING is right, and the possibility that anything will EVER be right... is kinda hopeless....

part of it is my birthday, sure.... i know SOME people don't think it's a big deal and etc... nor do i think a "big deal" should be made over me... except maybe by my family, my mom in particular... she had me... it hurt... we both almost died. She's pretty happy that we both made it... she always spoils me on my birthday, because she knows how close i came to NOT being here...

it's not the same though.... when you have a wonderful family, having your birthday celebrated is a given... i know they don't HAVE to... but i mean, you sorta feel like they do, right? i mean, you know they are always going to make it special, whether anyone else does or not... of course you want it to be acknowledged by the OTHER people in your life that you care most about... the ones that aren't OBLIGATED to do it... but do it anyway, just because they're glad you're around... i don't think it's so very strange to want those people to be glad you're in this world.

From my best friend.... nothing. Not even a phone call to utter 2 small words... Happy Birthday. I don't think that is so very much to ask of ANYONE in your life... particularly someone you've known since you were 13...

The people at work. Only one of them, who is my best buddy there, out of all of them... even said happy birthday before i left on friday... it was even MENTIONED that today was my birthday... my supervisor says "oh yeah, that's right... you DID take monday off because it's your birthday"... then proceeded to go back to work... all the other people that work in the office were standing there... not one of them said a simple "happy birthday".... even though they knew i wouldn't be around today... i didn't expect like, say, for example, a big party or presents of for someone to drop my pants and kiss my ASS because it was my birthday... a simple "happy birthday" would have sufficed.

And to top things off... there is nothing QUITE like getting virtual birthday cards from your "new love interest" that say "happy birthday to a great friend"... well pardon me, but fuck YOU. i have enough friends... i don't need any more. just kinda opened my eyes to the fact that this person is more than happy to play at being a couple in private... but nothing else is going to come of it. nice.

*sighs*... then there is the most important person in the equation... i can do nothing right for this person... this person IS my heart, and i can say nothing, do nothing, or be adequate in any way to make them feel happiness... and though that is nothing new... it is just more VIVID as of late... and i cannot think of any feeling in the world that is worse. Particularly on a day that you are supposed to feel happy...

i just feel so absolutely... pathetically... disgustingly... useless. to everyone... i have spent my entire fucking birthday sitting around thinking to myself, why AM i here, indeed? What am i doing to better myself, my situation, the lives of other people... who is better off having known me? whose life do i make the least bit better?

*sighs*... i'm sure i will read this in a few days and be embarrassed... but right now i just don't give a fuck... this is how i feel... and it's MY place, i can damn well say or feel whatever i please, and whoever doesn't like it... well. i would suggest that they either a. click the x and stop reading, or b. go fuck themselves with a gigantic 10 inch black rubber dildo. whichever they prefer, or both, if they wanna be greedy about it. *L*

yay. that cracked me up a little bit. lol.

god... it's just... why the FUCK does everything have to be so difficult? especially regarding my birthday... for the past 2 years, i have just wanted to throw myself off a huge fucking cliff. though if i was even half as miserable as i was on my last birthday, i probably wouldn't be here TO bitch and complain right now. it was bad. i think people sometimes don't realize how important they are to you... how important their opinion is... and the way that saying one kind thing to you... can mean all the difference in the world... who in the world DOESN"T want all the people they care most about to care as much about them?

*sighs*... i'm sure part of this is PMS... and sugar issues... i haven't been doing well in the sugar department at all lately... pretty much since christmas... i got all excited, and made tons of things i shouldn't have, and ate even MORE. it's been so bitchy and unstable as of late that i was afraid to even eat a 100 calorie hostess cupcake... let alone let someone make me a birthday cake. One minute it is over 200... the next it's shooting down to 70 when i get upset or stressed, and i "go to sleep" aka pass out, and don't wake up for hours at a time... when this kinda thing is going on, my hormones are all fucked up as well, and i have prolonged PMS, but my period refuses to start...

now. let's go ahead and send out a big FUCK YOU to all the people who either outright say, or stealthily whisper that those are just excuses to act like a bitch. i COULD name names of the people that have gone to others behind my back and talked this kinda shit... i really could, today. But tomorrow i won't feel like dealing with all the screaming and rolling around on the carpet that it would inspire. so forget it... just know that i'm talking to YOU. lol.

it's idiotic to say shit like that because duh, i feel like shit, retards. if i COULD help feeling this way, i certainly would. i would MUCH rather be happy, and stress free....

god, ignorant people piss me off sometimes....

anyway, blah blah, R.A. is depressed. i seriously doubt it will last... but for right now, all i wanna do is just pull the covers over my head and never come out again.... at least until thursday, which is payday, lol. Being broke has not made my mood any better, for sure... i will feel better once i can stop worrying about the money issue...

however, i haven't quite figured out how i'm going to wash all the dishes and clothes that need washed because i haven't done shit but sit around and feel sorry for myself for 3 fucking days, because apparently we have no WATER at the moment. didn't figure THAT one out til it was time to take a shower today.... no water=no shower... which turned my birthday dinner out into birthday take-out. lol. no washing clothes... no washing dishes... no cleaning.. and if it's not fixed tomorrow, no shower before work? which will mean i'm not going... considering i already said i hadn't had one today, because of the water. um. ew. i don't think the people at work will be inclined to speak to me at ALL, let alone say happy birthday, if i show up at work reeking. [img]eek.gif[/img]

*laughing a little*... i know i sound like a maniac... but honestly, getting all that stuff off of my chest has already made me feel a little bit better. i get so tired of holding things in sometimes... i try to go on like nothing's happening, and that everything is fine... when inside, i am literally screaming and clawing at the walls....

*sighs*... i just... wish for simpler times, i guess... i miss the days when i felt loved... and happy... i'm not good at being alone, and apparently i am not good at being part of a couple. i'm not really sure where that leaves me... other than alone. [img]frown.gif[/img] That's what it's all really over, i guess... i just want to be as important to people as they are to me... *shrugs*....

anyway, if nothing else, telling the people that can't stand me to go get fucked felt pretty good... *L*... i mean, if there is ANY day when you should be allowed to speak your own mind and get your thoughts and sentiments off your chest... today should be the day. [img]wink.gif[/img]

[Berry]

*just huggz ya tight*

[BlackMagicRose]

*HUGGGGSSSS* I swear I feel the same way except I am kind of the opposite. On my birthday I am wanting everyone to just kinda go on about their business. I am having issues with the whole "being in my 30's" thing. Doesn't help that I am pregnant on top of it and holy fucking HELL do my ta tas hurt!!! Gawd do I long for the day to go back to being "normal" again. On that note since I just about smashed face first into the keyboard I probably should go lay down....LOL. Just remember...Breathe In....Breathe Out....REPEAT. [img]eek.gif[/img] [img]wink.gif[/img]

<font color="#989898" size="1">[ January 15, 2008 02:02 PM: Message edited by: BlackMagicRose ]</font>

[demon chloe]

Why hellloooo there my friend.

As I read this... part of my heart cracked, part of me cracked up laughing and the other part felt pissy right along w/ you.

It's so easy to say I know how you feel, or i've felt the same way and yet, in some ways you're speaking to a little piece of all of us.

Sometimes when I sit here typing all I can think is.... dang... we should be sitting across the room from each other w/ a diet coke... not typing cuz im certain we'd be good for a few laughs....

Im glad your best friend came through. I've been on both sides of that.... i've let people down... and been let down... both really suck. Make sure you let her know how much her birthday wish meant.... [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

As far as your special friend here... that really sucks and yano... that really SUCKS
I appreciate your candor about needing more friends, I totally get that, been there, done that [img]wink.gif[/img] Just be honest, you deserve the best, but i've already schooled you on that ! w00t!

Anyone else here you hold dear, that ignores you, treats you poorly or negatively... well, they really aren't anything but a cyber buttmunch. Certainly not a genuine friend, more of a user/abuser. People feel "strong" and "powerful" online when in actuality, they feel the opposite in their real time lives. Im sorry that you hurt over someone on here... you need to remember that they are a detail in this thing you call your life, you are the main character and you get to call the shots...

I, for one, hope this next year in your life is filled w/ goodness... may your topsy turvy birthday be just a blip of a beginning in what will be an exciting happy year for you. I wasn't here to wish you the birthday greeting you have so deservedly earned. You have been such a good friend to me.. about all the good and bad in my life in recent years.... I can always count on you to report in and leave me feedback, whether it's on my board on email... and for that...im so grateful... you're a bowl full of ice cream goodness ROgue =) and well, may this year be the sprinkles you want...

[img]graemlins/cake.gif[/img] Since you're not interested in cake and it's all i can think of.... truly ... I will eat some tonight in your honor and make a good wish for you....

RAWR..... Happy birthday plus one day from me...

a rather distant but not tooo far away friend

smoooOCH

[demon chloe]

how can anyone not look at that frog and smile...

see?

dang. he's cute....

[heidi!]

I find in times like that, Chocolate helps. If you cant have chocolate, kill someone and bury the body in chloes back yard.

Nobody would ever think of looking there.

[EvolutionHasBegun]

[img]graemlins/whatever.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/shhh.gif[/img]

[Rogue Angel]

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! it WOULD be rather the perfect hiding place, now wouldn't it? [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]

and chloe... [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img] you know i love ya... thank you for taking the time to give me a pep talk when i know you must have TONS and tons of other things to be doing... right back atcha in the good friend department... *HUGGS*... and ya know what... i felt like a bucket of shit today... SO guilty, lmao. After lunch, i got called to the front office, and everyone started singing, and we had cake and ice cream, a day late, because i wasn't THERE on my birthday... *sighs*... i have just been hormonal and overly sensitive... even on the "just friends" issue... i mean really... i suppose if someone isn't truly your "boyfriend", what sort of card are they supposed to send you? i was just, as i said, on a downward spiral, and that was the icing on the cake, so to speak... (i DID have cake today! y ummmmmy chocolate cake that i am most DEFINITELY not supposed to have! *L*... i was good, i only ate ONE small piece... s*)

so... today was MUCH better than yesterday... i SCREAMED laughing when someone pointed out earlier that my birthday was on a MONDAY.

...doesn't that just fucking explain it ALL? [img]wink.gif[/img]

*HUGGGGGS everyone on this thread, even evo... GENTLY!... though he is making mean faces at me*... lol.

[img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

[EvolutionHasBegun]

come to think of it.....Amy id like to see you..and since you dont actually talk to me anymore i figured i should at least try to make an appointment or something...

[demon chloe]

yeeep
if i don't answer you back that is not intentional.... and im sorry [img]confused.gif[/img]

no appointments necessary...
im just here......

[img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img]